I was, as the secure and well-fed do so well, sitting on my ass, and thinking of myself.
Focused on my belly, my hunger, the feeling within me of negation, and my desire to sate this with consumption. But not merely by the act of consuming; water could fill my stomach, and I do not want it.
I want meat, bread, seasoning, flavour; I desire particular qualities such that having the food before me to see and smell, the act of masticating becomes an experience that the mind itself consumes and desires.
And so, rather than putting together something simple and relatively healthy, I head out to a local fast food establishment. It being the nearest food distribution bureau, I try not to think of the treatment of the animals, or that of my own body when the food stuff is digested and assimilated into my greater composition. blah.
But these thoughts are after the fact.
As mentioned above, after a time of feeling sorry for myself and the glowing pang within my stomach, I set off down the street. I was at first surprised how mild the weather felt, and quite pleasantly felt welcome by a blue-purple sky with the sun seeming to lower itself out of it, down a thread held high by angels on some other rock, circling some other star.
Deep breaths and sighs.
People about, generally appearing to function well together, despite themselves at times.
Birds chirp in greater and greater numbers.
It is as if they hear one another, and themselves realize the coming summer. And thus with greater fervor, they cry out louder with their bird calls.
After picking up my greasy loot, I returned to the path home, a different path than before. Still, back to the same place.
I pass some of the same people; locals, parents with their children, old men with old women holding hands, keeping speed, looking cute and forgivable for their transgressions.
And cars, lots of cars.
At crosswalks I stand, and I look at other humans in their cars, their mechanical carriages where they act as if they have not left their castles.
Their act of sitting in the car and making that journey is no different from my walking, in a sense; in both cases, there is a valuation of the moment as being but in-between more meaningful moments.
And so when the person in the car looks at me, when their eyes meet mine with reality, a sort of fear that isn’t afraid, an honesty that is most vulnerable, we both feel it.
And if they do not recoil as one does when touching a surface and finding it to be hot, then I do.
But sometimes I do not.
Sometimes when two minds connect in this connection of old, through the eyes without words, and when neither looks away, then there is something powerful, and it intensifies by the addition of seconds to this shared moment.
There is an increasing awareness by either party, as long as the gaze goes unbroken, that this is quickly becoming a reality.
Consequences are demanded by connecting on levels as simple and powerful as connecting to the eyes of another.
When it is two individuals who seek domination, then this connection or the threat thereof is taken as an attack, and from this there boils forth violence and destruction.
However, when it is two absolutely honest beings, like a human newborn or a dog, or a sub-human animal, or persons genuinely seeking nothing from another, nor any protecting on their own egos, then these people can connect on a level that can make great friends of strangers.
Strangers only by their lack of definition with respect to our own lives.
A lover was once a stranger, but now it is only strange to think of a time when there was not such a bond.
This connection, if two people of complimentary desires, physically, emotionally, aesthetically connect, then it can rise to create powerful moments of carnal sex, or perhaps even of a piercing love, a love at first sight.
And you would think that we would want this.
But no. The person in the car, paused at the light looking into the eyes of another, does not forget the green light, the destination, obligations, and pull over to engage the other. No.
It seems that we put these moments back into the box. We do this and we move on with the larger narratives which we build, consciously or otherwise, for ourselves.
To embrace these interpersonal moments is to expose ones self in a way that some people never do, and most only rarely.
Of course, sooner or later someone will be in the right place at about the same time as you decide to become vulnerable. And if they too are open to the moment, then perhaps there may spontaneously manifest a reification, one that changes entire lives for their duration.
For good or for bad.
I unwrap, bite, taste the sandwich from the paper bag. Just as quickly, I roll the bag smaller, pushing the air out of it.
The cold on my hands, the warmth of the bag within them. I slide it into my jacket, I zip it closed and continue my regular gait. A determined gait, like a tank moving through reeds, not a man (or woman) in sight.
The street stretched out before me is lined by red brick houses on either side, and all the street and house faces are grey under a great shadow.
The sun touches my face between houses.
I stop in the light of a large enough gap, and am put to peace by that low sun glow.
Everything, a yellow-orange, the pathway between, beside the house, leading to the a garden blotted out by the sun. The concrete reflects gold light into my eyes.
I take a deep breath in through my nose, and though I do not yet smell grass clippings, I feel the sun on my face, and through my closed eyelids I see a faint red light.
I can feel my smile.
I imagine for a moment the sun seeing me smile so.
We both smile.
Back at home, I sit back down. The radio still plays from when I left.
The low hum of a nearby system of fans fills in the silence.
Still, I can hear the birds chirping.
Eyes closed, I can still see the sun pushing through.
Eyes open, I see the sandwich before me. I see the bite taken prior. I see it.
I do not hunger it, nor anything.
I felt at that moment filled, but not from food, nor sex, nor power over another… simply through a sort of consumption of the day, of life, a thorough enjoying of a simple moment.
So that was my simple moment.
For your consideration,
Joe talks of ideas similar to those of the early 20th century critical thinkers of Germany, of losing yourself to a larger apparatus that serves not you, but commands that you serve it. And in so doing it molds you into something that can only be sustained by the maintenance of this oppressive system.
Thankfully he has advice. hmm… having received the advice myself (having watched the video), I must warn that what also is required, will, cannot be given or taken through the making or watching of a video.
“Society Trap” – Joe Rogan (from Joe Rogan Experience #389)
And if too many people lose themselves, find themselves dependent on something they do not like, then there might just be more and more of the following.
Disturbios en las Marchas de la dignidad 22M. March 22, 2014
Now, as it is not fair to have you leave with so much anxiety, worry, and fear, please enjoy the following.
There is no need to be upset
Note: I ate the sandwich an hour later.